A Transparent Shift

In an ever-shifting business landscape, adaptability isn’t just a trait—it’s a competitive advantage. Companies that embrace change, learn from challenges, and pivot when necessary are the ones that not only survive but also thrive in uncertain environments.

I had to sit with myself the other day heavily contemplating why I felt as if my life was over, and why I wished it would be.

I was getting the news that my boyfriend would be moving on. And as traumatic and heartbreaking as that news was, I was grateful. I couldn’t do it myself. I was financially supporting us both on a minimum wage salary, securing us housing after his mother threatened eviction to assume control, cops being threatened to come and evict us when I had just moved to New York with him, and having my whole life being based in a scarcity mindset and feeling as if I was the only one able to work to push us to survive.

Their relationship was and still is complex, and utterly dysfunctional, and I became a middle man and a mouth piece. I felt so isolated in who I could confide into, thus I began playing their game. Confiding into both of them, in ways that truly no one should. But they were sick with their own ways and thought it was the only way through.

Of course, I have been pinned the bad one, the one that “ruined” their relationship, that I “fought to hard” for a man that never needed me and only wanted me because he felt bad. These are the words I had to hear from his mother. And another day it would be “ Thank you Mary”, you are a blessing in our life, “ I want the best for you both”. And then back and forth, again and again. Non stop I could not chase the highs fast enough and I could not wallow in the lows for long enough. I was broken.

When it came to my attention that I was now indebted to the mother that allowed me to be in such a dire financial situation – SOLEY for the purpose of making sure HER son had a roof over his head and food in his stomach and a place to build peace within himself. None of that was my job, but I chose to fight and beg for resources to take care of him. But no, it now falls on me to repay.

So, I felt so lost, infuriated with myself. Why do I fight for people that do not have a fight in them. And it made me realize all too clearly why I was so distraught about the severance of our ties.

I had been escaping my own unprocessed traumas by inviting and becoming their dysfunctional extension. I was able to personify and attempt to “help” in my own way, with only the best intentions, however I now saw so clearly, everything I needed to face by myself.

And that vision made me feel as if death was the better option.

I sit here, sipping on these string of faith and peace. Knowing I have to drink my own Kool-Aid, and I can finally sympathize so deeply with those who may feel or have felt similarly.

I was so scared to walk through my path, my lessons, my trauma. It seemed as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

And its true there wasn’t.

Not if I continued the ways that I have. A death is occurring, but more so a metaphysical death. And it is painful, and I can keep fighting for these sips of air – that are no longer serving the light and loving person I know I am to become.

So yes, I choose life. I choose to look myself in the mirror and fight. And I may lose some battles, shed some skin, or completely transmute into a different version of myself.

But I do understand , the person I was is saying goodbye.

Love Love Love